Paka is a hard word to say

Today was everything... terrifying, white knuckling, mario andretti driving, blowing snow, joyful, sweet, beautiful, enduring, hopeful, enlightening, educational, sickening, disdainful, heartwarming, heartbreaking, sad, thrilling, loving, sad, humbling, empathetic, hard....

I watched again as my little boy became more at ease and comfortable with me.  He started being more of the boy I watched with his groupa when he didn't know I was there.  His laughter is etched on my heart, his million kisses linger on my lips, his smile reamains in my soul and the promise that I will return will echo in the words of a letter the wonderful babushkas promised to read to him in between.  He likes me... seems strange to say but it's the best thing that we PAP's can hope for in a first visit.  He talks more when we are alone - the problem with that is that there is no one there to tell me what he is saying.  The whispers return when others are in the room.  He learned 2 english phrases while we were together - one is functional... "turn it around" in response to either a car or a puzzle piece.  The other I could only dream of but it came true... "give me a kiss"... I have it on video... he did it a million times today.  I also got unsolicited kisses which absolutely melted me.  Saying goodbye - you know it's going to be hard.  We go into adoption knowing the "drill" and that there is a period of time that we will be apart... it's so hard none the less.  Grisha and I were alone in the visiting room and I told him everything I wanted to say - he just looked at me with his huge blue eyes and hugged tight to my shoulder.  One of his caregivers came in and spoke to me in Russian - I understood only "don't cry" "it will be OK" "we love him"... I took him to the front and we stood at the playroom door giving final instructions on disposable cameras and the photo album with my bedtime letter.  They told me that they could tell he already love me - he woke up from his nap today and cried saying "good-yeh mama, mama, mama..." over and over - they told him I would be right back.  Elya told him today as he clung to me that I needed to go home for awhile to get more toys for him... he astutely pointed down to the bottom of the Christmas tree by the door and the 2 boxes that were there and said, "toys there... she doesn't have to go". 
I hate to leave... and can't wait to get back.  I might not have good interenet for the next while so this might be the last for a few days.  I head back on the train tonight to Khabarovsk to have my medical and see the notary tomorrow.  At noon the following day (I think it's the 31st???) I fly out through Moscow to Amsterdam (overnight) and then home on the first. 
Sleeping in my bed will feel amazing... but I'd sleep on this rock hard bed for ever if I had to...
Better get a move on - trains in Russia don't wait. 
SJT