Rough patch

Most days are filled with the background noise of life or paper shuffling or running to the courier for just one more document and while this one was no different, somehow I managed to squeeze in time to miss you like crazy today.  No particular reason - just do.  I keep playing the scene over and over in my head of us standing at the doorway just before I left you for the last time.  You clung tightly to my shoulder and burried your head in my neck.  I was crying of course and I kept telling you over and over again, "Yah tibya loo blu.. Yah tibya loo blu"... I love you I love you I love you.  I kept thinking that you haven't heard those words enough and I wanted you to remember the strange lady with all the toys and the magic bubbles and how much she wants to be your Mama forever.  Every time I said it, you would kiss me like 15 times... and I'd do it again... You must have kissed me a hundred times as we stood at the door.  I knew I was only moments from driving away and leaving you behind... it hurt... but I knew it was coming.  I wasn't worried for me - I was sad for you - not understanding the grown up world and the rules that we have to follow just to do something that by all accounts is so right.  I handed you to Irina and she told me that you would wave from the window... I turned away and stared back one more time into the groupa room from the snowy sidewalk.  You were pointing at the airplane (I now know the word for that thanks to you - Sem-ul-yot) in the sky... and then looked to wave a final goodbye to me.  It was a quiet 50 minute ride back to Komsomolsk in the dark.  I cried of course... and then there was just silence. 
Most days I just manage.  I knew I would have to leave you and I knew that it would be hard.  Today though, I'm not feeling that steadfast... I keep watching the videos over and over and wishing I could just hug you and tuck you into your beautiful bed to watch you sleep.  I keep hearing your laugh in my ears and your little voice so full of excitement.  I don't care that there are patches on the wall that need to be painted or things yet to clean... I just want you home... I miss you tonight.  I stare blankly at the clock knowing that right now you are probably just going down for a nap.  I wonder... about everything...  Tomorrow will be better... tomorrow I'll be brave again... but not tonight.  Tonight I'm just going to have a good cry.