Monday, March 19, 2012

Struggling with weight.

Since my early years I've been confronted with thoughts about weight and being thin, since I was dancing professional ballet for about 7 years, which means from my sixth to my thirteenth year. I remember back then very, very clearly. We had a very strict teacher, and she was a prima ballerina from Russia, and as most of you know, they are the best ones in the world when it comes to ballet. She wasn't a bad person at all, very sweet and kind, but when it was time to work again, she'd turn into that dictating and powerful mentor, who doesn't tolerate any mistakes or flaws. In my first two years of dancing, we were more like children, and the dancing was actually like playing, but it became harder with the time, and with it also our diets. To be honest, we didn't get any plan what and how to eat, but certain things had be left out. And the pile of those foods kept growing until, the other one, the things we were allowed to eat, became smaller and smaller. We had trainings every single day for two and a half hours. Don't get me wrong, I never complained about it, I LOVED being a ballerina more than anything else. But the worst part came when I left the dancing school and shortly after moved to Austria.

Back then I've been thin. Not skinny, but thin. I always dreamt of that super skinny weight all those prima ballerinas have. And I've been working for it, but never managed to achieve it. Anyway, once arrived in Vienna, my old world crashed and disappeared and I was pulled into a new one I knew nothing about. New country, city, language, people... It was all so strange and difficult like it is for everyone who went through same thing. And since I didn't have any friends or somebody I could relate or open to for years, I started to drown my frustrations in food. For days, and days and days. There were so many new sweets and new kinds of delicious things I never saw in my entire life, and of course I had to try them all... And I did. All the time... I would come back home, do my homework, and afterwards take some sandwich and a ton of sweets. Or anything like that. And so it would go for days, months and years. But the worst part about it was, that I simply could not stop thinking about what I'm doing and how wrong it was.  I constantly had bad guilty feelings after every single bite I took. But I also could not stop it. Or I didn't want. Because I didn't care.

And as you can imagine, I've gained quite some weight through this hunger attacks. For almost four years now I don't eat like that, but I also cannot manage to lose all that weight no matter what I do. And slowly I'm becoming very desperate since everyone around me is so successfull in no matter what they do, but it's always me who's failing. I feel like all the efforts that I make simply disappear in the air and it's like I've never made them. But I really don't want to give up, and I will keep fighting. It's the only thing I can do.  I'll let you know if anything changes. Or not.

But I would also LOVE to know if anybody of you has the same problems and obsessions... It would be nice! 

Love, Aleksandra.

All images were found on tumblr. 

UPDATE 7:14pm
I just saw some of the comments for this post, and I must admit, yes, you are all right, and I do know that. But I also know that I cannot feel healthy and super pretty when I am not. I do not feel good in my own body, and I would love to change it for somebody else's if I could. And I know it sounds very whiny, but it's the way I TRULY feel.