Struggling with weight.

Since my early years I've been confronted with thoughts about weight and being thin, since I was dancing professional ballet for about 7 years, which means from my sixth to my thirteenth year. I remember back then very, very clearly. We had a very strict teacher, and she was a prima ballerina from Russia, and as most of you know, they are the best ones in the world when it comes to ballet. She wasn't a bad person at all, very sweet and kind, but when it was time to work again, she'd turn into that dictating and powerful mentor, who doesn't tolerate any mistakes or flaws. In my first two years of dancing, we were more like children, and the dancing was actually like playing, but it became harder with the time, and with it also our diets. To be honest, we didn't get any plan what and how to eat, but certain things had be left out. And the pile of those foods kept growing until, the other one, the things we were allowed to eat, became smaller and smaller. We had trainings every single day for two and a half hours. Don't get me wrong, I never complained about it, I LOVED being a ballerina more than anything else. But the worst part came when I left the dancing school and shortly after moved to Austria.

Back then I've been thin. Not skinny, but thin. I always dreamt of that super skinny weight all those prima ballerinas have. And I've been working for it, but never managed to achieve it. Anyway, once arrived in Vienna, my old world crashed and disappeared and I was pulled into a new one I knew nothing about. New country, city, language, people... It was all so strange and difficult like it is for everyone who went through same thing. And since I didn't have any friends or somebody I could relate or open to for years, I started to drown my frustrations in food. For days, and days and days. There were so many new sweets and new kinds of delicious things I never saw in my entire life, and of course I had to try them all... And I did. All the time... I would come back home, do my homework, and afterwards take some sandwich and a ton of sweets. Or anything like that. And so it would go for days, months and years. But the worst part about it was, that I simply could not stop thinking about what I'm doing and how wrong it was.  I constantly had bad guilty feelings after every single bite I took. But I also could not stop it. Or I didn't want. Because I didn't care.

And as you can imagine, I've gained quite some weight through this hunger attacks. For almost four years now I don't eat like that, but I also cannot manage to lose all that weight no matter what I do. And slowly I'm becoming very desperate since everyone around me is so successfull in no matter what they do, but it's always me who's failing. I feel like all the efforts that I make simply disappear in the air and it's like I've never made them. But I really don't want to give up, and I will keep fighting. It's the only thing I can do.  I'll let you know if anything changes. Or not.

But I would also LOVE to know if anybody of you has the same problems and obsessions... It would be nice! 

Love, Aleksandra.

All images were found on tumblr. 

UPDATE 7:14pm
I just saw some of the comments for this post, and I must admit, yes, you are all right, and I do know that. But I also know that I cannot feel healthy and super pretty when I am not. I do not feel good in my own body, and I would love to change it for somebody else's if I could. And I know it sounds very whiny, but it's the way I TRULY feel.

Snow and happiness.

Good evening friends! How has your week been so far? 

Mine has been, well, let's say pretty busy. But this is kind of stress that I actually enjoy a lot, since it's something that I love doing... It takes a lot of commitment and devotion, and also time to finish all projects, but it's the profession I chose to do, and to be honest - I couldn't be any happier.

I remember when I started my architecture studies about half a year ago, it was a pretty complicated time for me, if this is the right thing, right choice, and right kind of life that I want for myself. But as more time passed I started to enjoy what I was doing, and I became more sure with every single day that THIS is THE thing I am supposed to do.

So, I definitely feel like I'm on the right track... And I couldn't be happier!

How do you feel about things that you are doing? Are you lucky enough to say you can do your dream job? Or what are your plans? I'm so curious to know! :)

And by the way, we all thought that the winter started to slowly fade away here, but it was snowing here today! And I was actually pretty happy about it, since I think it's still time for snow... But well, it stopped now, and instead it's raining... But I love rainy weather, always have...

Happy Thursday friend!

Love, Aleksandra.

The world went completely to hell.

I actually do not feel comfortable with posts like this one, but in a way a also think it's very important to talk about it, but also maybe not.

All these events that occurred in the last few months, and even years! I am so very concerned about this world and where it's going, because all this hurts me a lot for real. Egypt, Libya, Serbia and all other countries who are suffering due to war! I just wish it ended once and for all, but as we saw it throughout the history, it won't. People will always fight for money and power. Sometimes I think the human being didn't develop at all, that we did not learn from the mistakes in the past, that the history will always repeat. It just has to end.

I don't want to go way too much into detail, because everyone should build their own opinions, but one thing I have to mention, because it hurts me the most. Of course I care for ALL people on this planet, because we are all equal and the same, just to make that clear.

As all of you who follow and read my blog, know, I come from Serbia. It's my homecountry which I love above everything and anything. And although I'm completely from the northern part of it, I care for it as a whole. Maybe you have noticed all of the troubles and turbulences which have appeared on the country borders of northern Kosovo. I will try to stay objective on this, because NOT everyone from one nation are the same, NOT everyone is war oriented and hateful, but sometimes it's so hard, it's unbelievable. I am so afraid that another Kosovo war won't break through, and then maybe in the whole Serbia. I don't know. It all just terrifies me to the core, and I just wish we would get more recognition and support from the world, because I saw so many news on CNN, BBC and various newspapers like NYT, the austrian Der Standard (which soooo disappointed me!) which are WRONG. Like totally WRONG. And then I ask myself, if they  turn the news as they want them to be, then how can I believe that all other ones are right? It just doesn't make any sense! I wish once and for all that my homecountry does not stand in the bad light, because we are always stamped as the bad guys, as a bad country, and I have nothing against punishing people who committed war crimes, but you don't have to make ALL Serbs guilty for that! I just want Serbia to move forward, get better and recover. But that won't happen soon as I see. And it makes my soul bleed.

And as cheesy as it sounds, I truly wish for this planet to be a peaceful place.

Aleksandra.

Image courtesy of Destruktive on DeviantArt.

We will miss you Steve.

I know I'm pretty late posting this, but that's actually not the point, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for seeing such a great inventor go way too early, and that my sincere condolences go to family members and friends. 

Aleksandra.

Image courtesy of João Marques alias BK1LL3R. 

Gay parade, Belgrade. Part two

Well, this comes very well.

I was just listing through my daily e-newspapers, when I discovered this above standing poster and the add video (look down below) for the gay parade, which (as I also found out) will be this Sunday, the 2nd October, in Belgrade.

Parade, which this year takes place under the slogan "Pride: normal has doesn't intend to provocate", but to highlight the discriminatory position of LGBT people, organizers say. They say they are satisfied with the support they received for the parade, the majority of politicians and state institutions. Just events like the Pride Parade are an opportunity to speak about it, according to organizers and they announced more massive presence of LGBT people and their friends from all over Serbia.

This is a short plot and translation of the text I have it from. Anyway, I really hope that there won't be any conflicts, as they were last year. I think Serbia won't be on the level of all other european countries in 20 years, I doubt that this year everything will go peacefully. We'll see. And I'll keep you updated of course.

Anyway, here's the video commercial for the parade. You can also see some scenes from last year's disaster. It explains simply everything.

Aleksandra.

Gay parade, Belgrade.

I really need to say something about that hysterical reaction by some people in Serbia due to the upcoming gay parade in Belgrade. Like, I really do understand that there are different views and opinions about this issue, and especially because of religious beliefs, and sexual orientation - but I really cannot see a valuable reason WHY it HAS to be this way. I'm trying to keep up quietly with all the debates and discussions which are running all over the internet, and in my homecountry, and I can freely say now that I've seen more than enough to stay silent. I have really tried not to give a public opinion on this, but I think since now all boundaries have been crossed, I have to say one or two words.

Maybe some of you who live outside of Serbia, and have nothing to do with it, have heard or at least noticed from the world wide news that a few last parades in Belgrade have ended in a disaster and tragedy, since a lot of people have been hurt and injured very badly, some of them even the members of police.

And now, another parade is standing in front of us, and I am really afraid what may happen. I mean, what is so wrong about having a parade? Homosexuality is not an illness, it's sexual orientation, and everyone has the right on it. Parades are held all over the world, and almost every one goes by without an incident, people have some good time, and fell good an accepted in this sickly profound society. Even people who are not gay go there just to meet new, funny people and enjoy themselves! Urgh!

Short - what I want to say is that I don't understand why there has to be so much controversy about a simple parade. Are they afraid of something? Why can't we just let gays live in peace? It drives me really mad. =.= I really hope that one day, liberty of sexual choice and orientation, can beat the narrowness of some people. I really do.

Love, Aleksandra.

Image credits: ~Hazel-Almonds and ~Raven-LaLupa